Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Source (Google.co,.pk)

Funny Adult Joke 1

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?

The blonde, because she’s 18.

Funny Adult Joke 2

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.

The thief was spending less then his wife.

Funny Adult Joke 3

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?

The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

Funny Adult Joke 4

Define “Egghead:”

What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Funny Adult Joke 5

Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?

It works by changing your blood type!!

Funny Adult Joke 6

Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?

He got the sack.

Funny Adult Joke 7

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Funny Adult Joke 8

Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer’s patients?

They hid their own eggs!

Funny Adult Joke 9

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Funny Adult Joke 10

Did you hear about the gay guy that’s on the patch?

He’s down to four butts a day.

Funny Adult Joke 11

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Funny Adult Joke 12

Did you hear about the kid napping?

Yeah, he woke up!

Funny Adult Joke 13

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?

He did okay until his business fell off.

Funny Adult Joke 14

Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?

They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

Funny Adult Joke 15

Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?

They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Funny Adult Joke 16

Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?

They’re going to call her Old Spice.

Funny Adult Joke 17

Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?

Yeah…now he has no ears.

Funny Adult Joke 18

Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…

A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Funny Adult Joke 19

Do you know how to eat a frog?

You put one leg over each ear.

Funny Adult Joke 20

Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

They’re called ‘Predickamints’

Funny Adult Joke 21

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Funny Adult Joke 22

How are men like noodles?

They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Funny Adult Joke 23

How are women and linoleum floors alike?

You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Funny Adult Joke 24

How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?

A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Funny Adult Joke 25

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool table has no balls.

Funny Adult Joke 26

How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?

The hero always gets his man in the end.

Funny Adult Joke 27

How can you tell if you have acne?

If the blind can read your face.

Funny Adult Joke 28

How can you tell she’s a macho women?

She rolls her own tampons.

Funny Adult Joke 29

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

When his hand caught on fire.

Funny Adult Joke 30

How did the tugboat get AIDS?

It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Funny Adult Joke 31

How do lesbians handle their liquor?

By the ears. (Lick her)

Funny Adult Joke 32

How do you fuck a fat chick?

Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.

Funny Adult Joke 33

How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?

Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”

Funny Adult Joke 34

How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?

When he can still step on Dolly Parton’s toes.

Funny Adult Joke 35

How do you know when a Barbie has her period?

All your tic tacks are gone.

Funny Adult Joke 36

How do you know when you are getting old?

When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Funny Adult Joke 37

How do you know when you honeymoon is over?

When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Funny Adult Joke 38

How do you make a snooker table laugh.

Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.

Funny Adult Joke 39

How do you turn a fox into an elephant

Marry it.

Funny Adult Joke 40

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Funny Adult Joke 41

How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?

10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

Funny Adult Joke 42

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

Funny Adult Joke 43

I married Miss Right.

I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Funny Adult Joke 44

If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?

The Captains Dinghy!

Funny Adult Joke 45

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

When the kids are in college.

Funny Adult Joke 46

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged

Funny Adult Joke 47

What did one tit say to the other?

I hope we get support soon or people will think we’re nuts.

Funny Adult Joke 48

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

“How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Funny Adult Joke 49

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“How do you breath through something so small?”

Funny Adult Joke 50

What did the potato chip say to the battery?

If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

Funny Adult Joke 51

What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?

WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Funny Adult Joke 52

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

Funny Adult Joke 53

What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?

The Hanger.

Funny Adult Joke 54

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Funny Adult Joke 55

What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?

They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Funny Adult Joke 56

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroid’s.

Funny Adult Joke 57

What do gay kids get for Christmas?

Erection Sets.

Funny Adult Joke 58

What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?

There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Funny Adult Joke 59

What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?

No ball room

Funny Adult Joke 60

What do women and police cars have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Funny Adult Joke 61

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?

A fruit stand!

Funny Adult Joke 62

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A private tutor.

Funny Adult Joke 63

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

Funny Adult Joke 64

What do you call a truck full of dildos?

Toys for Twats

Funny Adult Joke 65

What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?

The aids team.

Funny Adult Joke 66

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter

Funny Adult Joke 67

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

Funny Adult Joke 68

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?

A Mechanic.

Funny Adult Joke 69

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A rumor

Funny Adult Joke 70

What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?

Potpourri

Funny Adult Joke 71

What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?

Speed bumps.

Funny Adult Joke 72

What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?

A love call.

Funny Adult Joke 73

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts.

Funny Adult Joke 74

What do you call three lesbians in bed together?

M�nage � twat.

Funny Adult Joke 75

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?

A scrotum pole!

Funny Adult Joke 76

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur traders.

Funny Adult Joke 77

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Funny Adult Joke 78

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Yell at her.

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Funny Adult Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Source (Google.com.pk)

 Handjob Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" Bad In Bed A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." Naked Dinner A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup." Blowjob A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!". Who Enjoys Sex More A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?" Sniff Test A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?" If You Could A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother" Sexual Exhaustion A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." Three Girlfriends Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick? Blowjobs For Money A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" Police Officer A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!" Old Couple An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup." Bad Father There was once a father that does not like to give things to doctors who helped him cure his sickness. One day, his daughter bought a dress for the doctor. The father stripped the dress. Then,the daughter bought a hamster and named it 'nipples'. However,the father squeezed it to death. Finally,the daughter bought some milk but the father finished the milk off. The daughter complained to her mother "Daddy stripped off my dress, squeezed my nipples and drinked all my milk!" More Free Dirty Jokes Free Dirty Short Jokes Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran infront of the bus? A: He got tired Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese. Q: What do priests and Mcdonalds have in common? A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because their plugged into a genius! Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back! Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral? A: There are only two handles on a garbage can. Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles? A: Trust me. Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done... Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide? A: He got the gas bill. Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock! Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? A: About three inches. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly? A: So they don’t poke her eye out. Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass? A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks. Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking. Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes? A: I cry when I cut up onions... Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A: A trip without the kids!

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Free Funny Dirty Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Source (Google.com.pk)

→ What do you think,

why I sms you?

Is it because I care you

OR

I miss you?

OR

I like you?

OR

I need you?

Na…KAKa…Na

I’ve to utilize free sms package.

→ I used to think that dreams do not come true, but this quickly changed the moment I laid my eyes on you.

→ U R 100% beautiful,

U R 100% lovely,

U R 100% sweet,

U R 100% nice, and

U R 100% stupid to believe these words...

→ If love & friendship could be brought or sold as if they were Stocks & Shares those wise enough to invest in you SEXY would all be millionaires!!!

→ A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss isn't a kiss without the tongue, so open ur mouth & close ur eyes & give ur tongue some exercise

→ A B C D E F G H

I J K L M N O P

Q R S T U V W X

Y Z

.

.

.

1 missing in above

.

.

.

why are you reading again?

shame on you…!

In ABCD where comes 1.

→ If you say my eyes are beautiful it's because they're looking at you, for my eyes are just the windows my feelings come through.

→ Open with Love...

If I disturb U

I am Sorry!

But I need

To Say

I...

Love...

Disturbing you...

→ I think;

I should tell you

what people are saying behind your back

.

.

.

Nice Ass!!!!!!!

→ Walk with me when ur hearts needs company, take my hand when u feel all alone, turn to me when u need some1 to lean on, coz I'm the one u can always depend on!

→ Everybody wants

someone special

someone innocent

someone nice

someone cool

someone sweet

someone cute

someone intelligent

But why always ME, ME and ME..???

→ Why do U think I SMS u ?

Is it because I care ? Or I miss u ?

Or I love u ? Or I need You ? No ! It's b'coz...

I need a person for just time pass

→ BEAUTY TIP:

If you want to protect your face

from dust, sunrise and other such things,

then apply Master Paints exterior emulsion

with 7 years guarantee!

→ Best way to purpose a girl.

Take her to sea,

Say her to sit in a boat.

Then take the boat in the middle of sea.

Then say Marry Me

or

Leave My Boat.

→ Three types to break mirror:

1. Throw stone on mirror.

2. Take mirror and just drop it.

3. You just go and stand before the mirror and smile.

→ Think Big,

Think Smart,

Think Positive,

Think Beautiful,

just Stop?

It’s too long for you.

So, in short ” Just Think About Me”.

→ It's a test to check your capability of Mathematics

But you have 2 read this msg for only once.......

ok!

R u ready??

Here We Go....

2+7

+9

-5

+4

+8

-2

+5

-4

+12

-8

THE QUESTIONS:

How many Times Did u Press The Button

→ Hi, How are you…?

Are you free tomorrow..?

Can you come to me..?

Because tomorrow we are opening new

.

.

.

.

.

Mental Hospital

admission free, special offer for you.

→ When u feel lonely

and alone & cannot see any one around you,

the world seems to be fading away,

come along with me I'll take u to an eye specialist!

→ Think Big,

Think Smart,

Think Positive,

Think Beautiful,

just Stop?

It’s too long for you.

So, in short ” Just Think About Me”.

→ In the morning I do not eat

because I think of you,

at noon I do not eat

because I think of you,

in the evening I do not eat

because I think of you,

at night I do not sleep

because I am hungry

→ whenever u feel sadness in your HEART,

blackness in your EYES,

paleness on your FACE,

fragrance in your body, it shows u are suffering lack of vitamin "ME".

→ Today, tomorrow and forever

there will be one heart

that would always beat for you.

You know whose?

Hey, your own stupid.

→ Puppy dog asked to mummy dog: Mummy who is my Father.Mummy: Baby, keep silence, don't disturb your Father, he is reading this SMS now.

→ I want to touch you all over again n again.

.

.

.

.

.

.

through my heart and feeling

→ Today is International Handsome Boys

and Beautiful Girls day!

So send this message to someone

who looks smart and cute…

Be true.. Don’t cheat like me

→ Whatever high the sky may be…..

Whatever wide the River may be….

Whatever green a tree may be…..

just Remember….

IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!

→ A - U r Attractive

B - U r the Best

C - U r Cute

D - U r Dear 2 Me

E - U r Excellent

F - U r Funny

G - U r Good-Looking

H - hehehe

I - I'm

J - JOKING

→ Please pray for me,

my condition is very serious.

I am getting day by day

M0re Cute

M0re good l0oking

L0vely and smart

and there is no cure of it

→ Never ever reject any girls in your life..!

Because,

A good girls gives you happiness.

and

Bad girls gives you experience!

→ From Monday to Sunday,

From January To December,

From birth till my death,

my feelings for you have never changed.

For me, you’ve always been……….. a headache !

→ 2days weather 4cast: it wud b cloudy if u frown, rainy if u cry, clear if ur happy, sunny if u smile & stormy if u sing!

→ difference between good girls

and very good girls.

Good girls open few buttons

when environment is hot.

Very good girls open all buttons

to make environment hot

→ Last night some Monkeys came running to my room.They wanted to trouble

good people... I suggested ur name.They said Oh!!!No we cant disturb our Boss...

→ Let us live!!!

Let us love!!!

Let us share

the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.

→ This my most beautiful SMS for you

If you read you owe me a HUG,

If you delete you Owe me a kiss,

If you save you owe me a DATE,

If you return text message to me,

You OWE me All,

But if you ignore,

You are MINe!

So wat will You do?

→ Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ? Mind u -

it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very imp

.... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER

→ Today night I would like to

kiss you and bite you strongly.

Do you accept this waiting for your permission

yours lovingly Mosquito

→ Nice Kiss is on Head.

Sweet Kiss is on Cheeks.

Passionate Kiss is on Lips.

Romantic Kiss is on Neck

and

Seriously Hottest Kiss is on “IRON”

Try it now. Mmmmuah

→ Life is pretty much unpredictable. I may not live long enough but I won't miss out letting you know that life is worth living with someone like you around.

→ I know you think I’m cute,

I know you think I’m gorgeous,

but like the other guys

take a number and wait in line!!

→ A smile is the best lighting system of the face, the best cooling system of the head, and the best warming system of the heart. Keep smiling! =)

→ Always remember:

When a girl cancels a date

it is because She “Has To”

and

When a boy cancels a date

it si becasuse He “Has Two”

→ Love is an illusion!

Its a highly dependency disorder

of weak hearted people.

.

.

.

People with strong hearts

believe in FLIRTING :p

→ 1+1=2 eyes look at u...

12+12=24 hours thinking about u...

3+4=7 days in week missing u...

1+11=12 months I always need A SWEET PERSON like U

I want to say a word to u !!

.

.

That starts with u

.

.

and ends on u

.

.

that truly defines u

.

.

that word is

.

.

“ULLU” …..

→ I believe that God above created you for me to love. He picked me

out from all the rest because he knew I”d love you the best!

→ One who somes, has a SMOKY heart,

One who drinks, has an ALCOHOLIC heart...

So dear U must STOP eating SWEETS...

as u r already a SWEETEHART!**

→ Boy1: Meet my wife Tina

Boy2: Oh! I know her

Boy1: How?

Boy2: We were caught sleeping together.

Boy1: What the hell!

Boy2: 10 years ago, during lecture in Maths class

→ If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tear. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

→ I think you are very careless!

Yo come & leave things behind!

See now what u have left?

You just came in my mind and left a smile on my face.

→ The length & breadth & height of you,

total up to quite a view,

but to taste the true delight of you,

I”ll have to take a bite of you.

→ New style of proposing a girl.. "i hv spent many sleepless nights in ur Luv n i dont want my son 2 do d same 4 your daughter so lets mk them brother n sister.

→ I wrote your name on sand

it got washed.

I wrote your name in air,

it was blown away. then

I wrote your name on my heart

& i got Heart Attack.

→ I think you are very careless! U come & leave things behind! See now what u have left? U just came in my mind and left a smile on my face.

→ Government imposing new taxes.

Dating Rs.10,

Hug Rs.20,

Kiss Rs.30,

Love Rs.50.

But you don”t worry,

flirting is still free

→ U luk sweet when u read my message. U luk sweeter when u read my message & smile. U luk sweetest when u read my message, smile & reply. So, try to look sweetest.

→ Loading the Babe meter…..

5%

17%

26%

57%

78%

99%

100% COMPLETE

Processing data..

ANALYSIS COMPLETE

You are a 100%

Gorgeous Babe XXX!

→ As days go by, my feelings get stronger,

To be in ur arms, I can't wait any longer.

Look into my eyes & u'll see that it's true,

Day & night my thoughts r of U.

→ Man asked to his wife:

Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

She said: Some where I have never been!

Man said: How about the kitchen?

→ I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you cuddled it, you cuddled me instead.

→ Having a good laugh with a friend like you stimulates endorphins,the brain’s natural painkillers.

So, if you need to laugh and you can’t find a friend like yourself, I can lend you my mirror.

→ Even if I had 1 wish... I wouldn't wish for u to love me, coz I don't want your love to come from a wish... but straight from your heart.

→ Life is pretty much unpredictable.

I may not live long enough but

I won’t miss out letting you know

That life is worth living with someone like you around.

→ Patient to dotor:

You’ve appointed nice nurse.

She take good care of patients.

doctor: Yes I heard,

When she slapped you.

→ Those who can't have u hate u, those who have u can't handle u, those who abuse u lose u, & then there are those like me who just can't refuse u!

→ L ======

O ======

V ======

E ======

L= loss of money.

o= out of mind.

v= vaste of time.

e= end of life.

So don’t LOVE.

Only pass your time.

→ I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

→ Advise of a dentist

Treat your girlfriend

like a tooth brush.

Don’t let anybody else use it

&

Changed it every 3 months.

→ Long ago, Men who sacrificed their

love, youth, parents, identity,

laughter and their happines

were called SAINTS!

Now they are called HUSBANDS!

→ Too many stars in the sky, too many tears that have left my eyes. Too many girls out in the blue, but they are nothing compared to you!

→ Never ask for hug,

Just take it.

Never ask do you love me,

Just say I love you.

Never say I can’t live without you,

Just say I live for you.

You have been trained.

Now go and flirt

→ U may b out of my sight but not out of my heart. U may b out of my reach but not out of my mind. I don't know what I mean 2 u, but u'll always be special 2 me.

→ Cheap attitude of girls.

When a boy sends dirty sms.

She laughs for 10 minutes.

Forward that sms to her friends.

Then replies the boy

“I don’t like these kind of sms ok”

→ All I wanted was sumone 2 care 4 me. All I wanted was sumone who'd b there 4 me. All I ever wanted was sumone who'd b true. All I ever wanted was sum1 like u.

→ Arguing with girls, wife or ladies is like

wrestling with a Pig in mud.

After sometime you realise that you are getting dirty

& the pig is enjoying !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

→ Touch my heart & u’ll feel,

Listen to my heart & u’ll hear,

Look into my heart & u’ll see,

That u’ll always be a special part of me.

→ Flirting is the only job in the world,

that boys never include in their CV.

Despite having years of experiences

and number of references….:P

→ Don't send any messages, I don't want to see you, hear your voice, think of you, coz my doctor advised me 2 keep away from Sweets.

→ A girl to doctor: when I smoke cigarette,

I feel very uncomfortable,

On first puff, I put off my shoes.

On second, my socks.

On third, my shirt.

Doctor: take this cigarette and tell me in detail.

→ Hello!! What's wrong with your mobile?

Tried so many times but Every time I call it says: The subscriber your are trying to reach is in your heart!

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Dirty And Funny Jokes

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Source (Google.com.pk)

→ What do you think,

why I sms you?

Is it because I care you

OR

I miss you?

OR

I like you?

OR

I need you?

Na…KAKa…Na

I’ve to utilize free sms package.

→ I used to think that dreams do not come true, but this quickly changed the moment I laid my eyes on you.

→ U R 100% beautiful,

U R 100% lovely,

U R 100% sweet,

U R 100% nice, and

U R 100% stupid to believe these words...

→ If love & friendship could be brought or sold as if they were Stocks & Shares those wise enough to invest in you SEXY would all be millionaires!!!

→ A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss isn't a kiss without the tongue, so open ur mouth & close ur eyes & give ur tongue some exercise

→ A B C D E F G H

I J K L M N O P

Q R S T U V W X

Y Z

.

.

.

1 missing in above

.

.

.

why are you reading again?

shame on you…!

In ABCD where comes 1.

→ If you say my eyes are beautiful it's because they're looking at you, for my eyes are just the windows my feelings come through.

→ Open with Love...

If I disturb U

I am Sorry!

But I need

To Say

I...

Love...

Disturbing you...

→ I think;

I should tell you

what people are saying behind your back

.

.

.

Nice Ass!!!!!!!

→ Walk with me when ur hearts needs company, take my hand when u feel all alone, turn to me when u need some1 to lean on, coz I'm the one u can always depend on!

→ Everybody wants

someone special

someone innocent

someone nice

someone cool

someone sweet

someone cute

someone intelligent

But why always ME, ME and ME..???

→ Why do U think I SMS u ?

Is it because I care ? Or I miss u ?

Or I love u ? Or I need You ? No ! It's b'coz...

I need a person for just time pass

→ BEAUTY TIP:

If you want to protect your face

from dust, sunrise and other such things,

then apply Master Paints exterior emulsion

with 7 years guarantee!

→ Best way to purpose a girl.

Take her to sea,

Say her to sit in a boat.

Then take the boat in the middle of sea.

Then say Marry Me

or

Leave My Boat.

→ Three types to break mirror:

1. Throw stone on mirror.

2. Take mirror and just drop it.

3. You just go and stand before the mirror and smile.

→ Think Big,

Think Smart,

Think Positive,

Think Beautiful,

just Stop?

It’s too long for you.

So, in short ” Just Think About Me”.

→ It's a test to check your capability of Mathematics

But you have 2 read this msg for only once.......

ok!

R u ready??

Here We Go....

2+7

+9

-5

+4

+8

-2

+5

-4

+12

-8

THE QUESTIONS:

How many Times Did u Press The Button

→ Hi, How are you…?

Are you free tomorrow..?

Can you come to me..?

Because tomorrow we are opening new

.

.

.

.

.

Mental Hospital

admission free, special offer for you.

→ When u feel lonely

and alone & cannot see any one around you,

the world seems to be fading away,

come along with me I'll take u to an eye specialist!

→ Think Big,

Think Smart,

Think Positive,

Think Beautiful,

just Stop?

It’s too long for you.

So, in short ” Just Think About Me”.

→ In the morning I do not eat

because I think of you,

at noon I do not eat

because I think of you,

in the evening I do not eat

because I think of you,

at night I do not sleep

because I am hungry

→ whenever u feel sadness in your HEART,

blackness in your EYES,

paleness on your FACE,

fragrance in your body, it shows u are suffering lack of vitamin "ME".

→ Today, tomorrow and forever

there will be one heart

that would always beat for you.

You know whose?

Hey, your own stupid.

→ Puppy dog asked to mummy dog: Mummy who is my Father.Mummy: Baby, keep silence, don't disturb your Father, he is reading this SMS now.

→ I want to touch you all over again n again.

.

.

.

.

.

.

through my heart and feeling

→ Today is International Handsome Boys

and Beautiful Girls day!

So send this message to someone

who looks smart and cute…

Be true.. Don’t cheat like me

→ Whatever high the sky may be…..

Whatever wide the River may be….

Whatever green a tree may be…..

just Remember….

IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!

→ A - U r Attractive

B - U r the Best

C - U r Cute

D - U r Dear 2 Me

E - U r Excellent

F - U r Funny

G - U r Good-Looking

H - hehehe

I - I'm

J - JOKING

→ Please pray for me,

my condition is very serious.

I am getting day by day

M0re Cute

M0re good l0oking

L0vely and smart

and there is no cure of it

→ Never ever reject any girls in your life..!

Because,

A good girls gives you happiness.

and

Bad girls gives you experience!

→ From Monday to Sunday,

From January To December,

From birth till my death,

my feelings for you have never changed.

For me, you’ve always been……….. a headache !

→ 2days weather 4cast: it wud b cloudy if u frown, rainy if u cry, clear if ur happy, sunny if u smile & stormy if u sing!

→ difference between good girls

and very good girls.

Good girls open few buttons

when environment is hot.

Very good girls open all buttons

to make environment hot

→ Last night some Monkeys came running to my room.They wanted to trouble

good people... I suggested ur name.They said Oh!!!No we cant disturb our Boss...

→ Let us live!!!

Let us love!!!

Let us share

the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.

→ This my most beautiful SMS for you

If you read you owe me a HUG,

If you delete you Owe me a kiss,

If you save you owe me a DATE,

If you return text message to me,

You OWE me All,

But if you ignore,

You are MINe!

So wat will You do?

→ Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ? Mind u -

it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very imp

.... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER

→ Today night I would like to

kiss you and bite you strongly.

Do you accept this waiting for your permission

yours lovingly Mosquito

→ Nice Kiss is on Head.

Sweet Kiss is on Cheeks.

Passionate Kiss is on Lips.

Romantic Kiss is on Neck

and

Seriously Hottest Kiss is on “IRON”

Try it now. Mmmmuah

→ Life is pretty much unpredictable. I may not live long enough but I won't miss out letting you know that life is worth living with someone like you around.

→ I know you think I’m cute,

I know you think I’m gorgeous,

but like the other guys

take a number and wait in line!!

→ A smile is the best lighting system of the face, the best cooling system of the head, and the best warming system of the heart. Keep smiling! =)

→ Always remember:

When a girl cancels a date

it is because She “Has To”

and

When a boy cancels a date

it si becasuse He “Has Two”

→ Love is an illusion!

Its a highly dependency disorder

of weak hearted people.

.

.

.

People with strong hearts

believe in FLIRTING :p

→ 1+1=2 eyes look at u...

12+12=24 hours thinking about u...

3+4=7 days in week missing u...

1+11=12 months I always need A SWEET PERSON like U

I want to say a word to u !!

.

.

That starts with u

.

.

and ends on u

.

.

that truly defines u

.

.

that word is

.

.

“ULLU” …..

→ I believe that God above created you for me to love. He picked me

out from all the rest because he knew I”d love you the best!

→ One who somes, has a SMOKY heart,

One who drinks, has an ALCOHOLIC heart...

So dear U must STOP eating SWEETS...

as u r already a SWEETEHART!**

→ Boy1: Meet my wife Tina

Boy2: Oh! I know her

Boy1: How?

Boy2: We were caught sleeping together.

Boy1: What the hell!

Boy2: 10 years ago, during lecture in Maths class

→ If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tear. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

→ I think you are very careless!

Yo come & leave things behind!

See now what u have left?

You just came in my mind and left a smile on my face.

→ The length & breadth & height of you,

total up to quite a view,

but to taste the true delight of you,

I”ll have to take a bite of you.

→ New style of proposing a girl.. "i hv spent many sleepless nights in ur Luv n i dont want my son 2 do d same 4 your daughter so lets mk them brother n sister.

→ I wrote your name on sand

it got washed.

I wrote your name in air,

it was blown away. then

I wrote your name on my heart

& i got Heart Attack.

→ I think you are very careless! U come & leave things behind! See now what u have left? U just came in my mind and left a smile on my face.

→ Government imposing new taxes.

Dating Rs.10,

Hug Rs.20,

Kiss Rs.30,

Love Rs.50.

But you don”t worry,

flirting is still free

→ U luk sweet when u read my message. U luk sweeter when u read my message & smile. U luk sweetest when u read my message, smile & reply. So, try to look sweetest.

→ Loading the Babe meter…..

5%

17%

26%

57%

78%

99%

100% COMPLETE

Processing data..

ANALYSIS COMPLETE

You are a 100%

Gorgeous Babe XXX!

→ As days go by, my feelings get stronger,

To be in ur arms, I can't wait any longer.

Look into my eyes & u'll see that it's true,

Day & night my thoughts r of U.

→ Man asked to his wife:

Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

She said: Some where I have never been!

Man said: How about the kitchen?

→ I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you cuddled it, you cuddled me instead.

→ Having a good laugh with a friend like you stimulates endorphins,the brain’s natural painkillers.

So, if you need to laugh and you can’t find a friend like yourself, I can lend you my mirror.

→ Even if I had 1 wish... I wouldn't wish for u to love me, coz I don't want your love to come from a wish... but straight from your heart.

→ Life is pretty much unpredictable.

I may not live long enough but

I won’t miss out letting you know

That life is worth living with someone like you around.

→ Patient to dotor:

You’ve appointed nice nurse.

She take good care of patients.

doctor: Yes I heard,

When she slapped you.

→ Those who can't have u hate u, those who have u can't handle u, those who abuse u lose u, & then there are those like me who just can't refuse u!

→ L ======

O ======

V ======

E ======

L= loss of money.

o= out of mind.

v= vaste of time.

e= end of life.

So don’t LOVE.

Only pass your time.

→ I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

→ Advise of a dentist

Treat your girlfriend

like a tooth brush.

Don’t let anybody else use it

&

Changed it every 3 months.

→ Long ago, Men who sacrificed their

love, youth, parents, identity,

laughter and their happines

were called SAINTS!

Now they are called HUSBANDS!

→ Too many stars in the sky, too many tears that have left my eyes. Too many girls out in the blue, but they are nothing compared to you!

→ Never ask for hug,

Just take it.

Never ask do you love me,

Just say I love you.

Never say I can’t live without you,

Just say I live for you.

You have been trained.

Now go and flirt

→ U may b out of my sight but not out of my heart. U may b out of my reach but not out of my mind. I don't know what I mean 2 u, but u'll always be special 2 me.

→ Cheap attitude of girls.

When a boy sends dirty sms.

She laughs for 10 minutes.

Forward that sms to her friends.

Then replies the boy

“I don’t like these kind of sms ok”

→ All I wanted was sumone 2 care 4 me. All I wanted was sumone who'd b there 4 me. All I ever wanted was sumone who'd b true. All I ever wanted was sum1 like u.

→ Arguing with girls, wife or ladies is like

wrestling with a Pig in mud.

After sometime you realise that you are getting dirty

& the pig is enjoying !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

→ Touch my heart & u’ll feel,

Listen to my heart & u’ll hear,

Look into my heart & u’ll see,

That u’ll always be a special part of me.

→ Flirting is the only job in the world,

that boys never include in their CV.

Despite having years of experiences

and number of references….:P

→ Don't send any messages, I don't want to see you, hear your voice, think of you, coz my doctor advised me 2 keep away from Sweets.

→ A girl to doctor: when I smoke cigarette,

I feel very uncomfortable,

On first puff, I put off my shoes.

On second, my socks.

On third, my shirt.

Doctor: take this cigarette and tell me in detail.

→ Hello!! What's wrong with your mobile?

Tried so many times but Every time I call it says: The subscriber your are trying to reach is in your heart!

→ Failure is not when…..

Your girlfriend leaves you….

Its when you don’t try for her sister….!

→ Only the open heart receives love, only the open mind receives wisdom, only the open hand receives gifts and only the cute persons receive SMS from me!

→ I want u …

To be with me In a nice Restaurent

To have candle light dinner…. &

to say those sweet three words to U….

“Pay The Bill”

→ Hey, I just got your blood test report. U have been tested HIV positive. Report reads person has high percentage of Honey In Veins. No Wonder!

→ AM I CUTE? TEST

call, if i m cute

miss call, if i m gorgeous

Text back if i m pretty

Text a joke if i m charming

Just ignore if u r jealous

→ I don't care how many lips u hv kissed, how many shoulders u have embraced & how many times u’ve said, I luv u! All I care is not b the first but 2 b ur last!

→ Do u know whats A B C D E F G?

A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl

Now reverse da order, can u guess the full form of: G F E D C B A ?

Girls Forgets Everything Done & Catches(new) Boy Again

→ Without ur SMS days are like: Moanday, Tearsday, Wasteday, Thirstday, Frightday, Shattereday & Sadday. So send me SMS everyday.

→ Why do girls look beautiful?

is it real or due to make up?

all false

Girls look beautiful because

.

.

.

.

boys have good IMAGINATION

→ If all the girls lived on the other side of the sea, what a good swimmer I would be? 

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages

Funny Dirty Jokes Text Messages