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Short Dirty Jokes To Text

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A dear friend of mine is undergoing chemo. She is also seven months pregnant. She has good days and bad days, and I have been peppering her with jokes via text message to cheer her up. She wants me to keep it up, and she has six more rounds of chemo to undergo, and I am running out of material.
I've searched the archives, of course, and have been harvesting lots of great material from previous similar questions, such as this one, this one, and this one.
Bonus points for clean Catholic jokes (no pervy priests please) for example:
Q: Who's the patron saint of email?
A: St. Francis of a cc
or
A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking. The Catholic boy said "my priest knows more than your rabbi" and the Jewish boy replied "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
Not to say no dirty jokes (she loved "Q: How is football like oral sex? A: The party that wins the toss usually elects to receive") I just don't want the chocolate in the peanut butter, if you know what I mean.
She's brought a lot of laughter into my life, please help me return the favor.
posted by ambrosia to Society & Culture (78 answers total) 130 users marked this as a favorite

3 deacons walk into a bar. You'd think the third one would have ducked.
posted by tilde at 1:53 PM on November 8, 2012 [3 favorites]
　
Q: What's the H in Jesus H Christ?
A: Harold. "Our Father. Who art in heaven. Harold be thy name."
And whales.
posted by ethidda at 1:54 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]
　
Not a joke but good for a laugh: Make sure you know how to send her a whale.
posted by jbickers at 1:55 PM on November 8, 2012 [7 favorites]
　
If she likes puns (especially bad ones), the Lame Pun Coon meme has a lot of material. I regularly text them to my wife.
posted by Boxenmacher at 2:00 PM on November 8, 2012 [18 favorites]
　
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and sidles up to the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
posted by workerant at 2:01 PM on November 8, 2012 [6 favorites]
　
A priest, a rabbi, and a three-foot-tall cowboy walk into a bar. Bartender looks up, says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
posted by mskyle at 2:01 PM on November 8, 2012
　
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?
posted by ActionPopulated at 2:02 PM on November 8, 2012 [8 favorites]
　
Knock knock jokes work well for texting...
> Knock Knock
Who's there? <
> To.
To who? <
> No. "To whom."
posted by rouftop at 2:03 PM on November 8, 2012 [6 favorites]
　
Wanna hear a dirty joke? 3 white horses fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke? They took a shower.
PS Boxenmacher, you just changed my life with that link. So far, not sure if it's in a good or bad way.
posted by anya32 at 2:05 PM on November 8, 2012 [1 favorite]
　
send text 1: "a bear walks into a bar and says hey bartender
(do nothing)
(do nothing)
(do nothing)
receive text: then what?
send text 2: I'll have a beer." the bartender says, sure but why the big pause?
posted by chasles at 2:05 PM on November 8, 2012
　
Previously.
And here's my favorite series of jokes from another mefi thread:
Q: How do you fit an elephant in a closet in 3 steps?
A: 1. You open the door. 2. Put the elephant in the closet. 3. Close the door.

Short Dirty Jokes To Text